Monday, 17 September 2012

Half a hundred

I turned 50 the other day. People say it's a milestone. I'd say it's more of a millstone. People say it's only a number. Yes, a bloody big number. I think in my subconcious it's been niggling me for quite a while. In a way I think I've been feeling that I was already 50 for ages and yet in other ways I was slightly amazed that it actually happened. I don't think I'm your average 50 year old - riding bikes, running and listening to loud noisy music - but then, maybe that's what everybody does. Hmm, maybe not.
Anyway, it's been looming over me for some time and not in a good way. I found myself becoming increasingly introspective, self critical and just generally bloody hard work. Of course I wasn't conciously aware that it was the 50 thing that was causing it. Maybe it wasn't, but I think it was certainly a contributing factor. Problems at work lead me into a fairly depressed state. There was a black cloud constantly over my head. Mentally I was in a pretty dark place at times.
I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday at all but eventually I decided that rather than having some 'do' what I would really like to do was just go for a drink with a few people that I genuinely liked. No mass invite, no formal bullshit. I got it organised that we would meet at the Sunnyhurst and walk over to the Royal and have a few bevvies before wandering back. There was a good turnout - about 20 or so. Sadly there were quite a few that I would have liked to have seen that night who couldn't make it for one reason or another.
It was a good night and I had a few good chats with people and I ended up pretty plastered and staggering home at 2.30am. It helped to know that I've got some good mates and it cheered me up a lot. Two other things that are helping are the new cross bike I got as an early birthday present. And - we've got a new dog. Sam is a collie pup and he's ace.
I am trying hard to put things into perspective and be more positive about life. I know that compared to most people in the world I am living in paradise and I am extremely lucky. Sadly it's not as easy as that. I'm hoping I've turned a corner though. Let's see how it goes.